You’re a Tinder user and you like things to be direct, so let’s be straightforward here. You know why you’re here, you’re looking for some great new Tinder openers that you can use the next time you’re reaching out to someone new on Tinder.
Or, on the flip side, you want to see some of the real stinkers so you know what land mines to sidestep the next time you’re putting yourself out there. Well we at Appamatix are no strangers to the Tinder universe, and so we’ve talked with our friends that are out there and have collected some of the funniest or most jaw-dropping Tinder openers currently in circulation.
Maybe you want to be shocking, maybe you want to be cute, maybe you want to be weird… but whichever way you go, you want to be memorable. So take a look at some of these lines and see if any of them strike your fancy. Or, more importantly, if you think any of these Tinder openers can strike the fancies of the people you’re using them on. Without further ado, here’s 37 hilarious Tinder Openers.
I’m not good with pickup lines or flirting. I don’t have that kind of natural charisma. — Steve Carell
37 Best Tinder Openers
But first, here’s some further ado. You know what? You won’t find the dumb one about the chairs and sitting on my face, okay? We’ve seen that one a million times — it’s not even funny anymore. Or the “I know this is a fake profile but which model did you get for your pic?” Please. You know what is still funny, though? The one about painting you green and spanking you like a disobedient avocado. That’s still funny. I mean, you make up your mind, I’m not here to tell you what’s funny, except that I am! So heed my words, sucka!
Now, Tinder has certainly had its ups and downs in the last couple of years and caught a lot of flak for being a hook-up app and even a breeding-ground for sexual harassment. To read more about Tinder and have your questions answered about the company, check out Vox’s article “9 questions about Tinder you were too embarrassed to ask.”
And we here at Appamatix don’t judge anyone for using Tinder or any other dating apps. We know most people just see it as a fun game to play; it’s entertaining. We do, however, like to remind all you lovelies that harassment is not a game and mutual consent between two adults is the only way everyone wins in the bedroom (or as you’ll read, on the coffee table). But you don’t want to go down that road, anyway. After all, why try to get with someone who doesn’t want to get with you? So even if you don’t want to keep it classy, keep it safe.
Soapbox done. Let’s have a look at these supposedly hilarious Tinder lines, as well as a little commentary from some men and women that have had these lines used on them. When you think about an opener, think about it like a sauce you add to a meal — the choice you make depends on what kind of experience you want to have (or in this case, what sort of experience you want to offer). With that in mind, I’ve grouped these using the sort of sauce that you may be going for.
And I promise, it’s not just because I’m hungry right now and I have to smell my neighbor’s Chinese takeout all night.
Honey Barbecue — the Sweet & Mild Tinder Lines
We’ll start off sweet and mild. These lines are cute and disarming. Nothing too intense and these are usually good for a laugh.
1) Do you play Quidditch? Because you look like a Keeper. Okay, I see you Harry Potter fan. We can talk.
2) They call me the fireman…mainly because I turn on the hose.
3) Are you Google? Because you’re everything I’ve been searching for.
4) You up for 2 minutes of mediocre fun followed by 30 minutes of crying?
5) Are you an Angel? Because I’m allergic to feathers and it’s a serious concern. New spin on an old classic.
6) Was your mother a beaver? Because DAMN girl!
7) Wanna eat cookie dough together some time?
8 ) On a scale of one to America, how free are you tonight?
9) Treat me like a pirate and gimme that booty.
10) What do I have to do to get on your drunk dial list?
11) Are you a middle Eastern dictator? Because there is a political uprising in my pants.
12) *insert witty pickup line here* — No, this is not filler for when I can’t think of another line to put on the list. This is a line that some friends (note the plural) have said that they have had used on them. I like this one because it acknowledges that there are so many tired lines out there. Why even waste time with one — let’s just go straight to what we’re all here for… a pleasant conversation. (Oh, what were you thinking?)
Sriracha — Hot & Spicy Lines
These lines get right to it. There’s no beating around the bush here; instead they cut right to the point. I once heard dancing described as “a vertical expression of a horizontal desire.” These lines skip the whole “vertical expression.”
13) Marry one, f*** one, kill one: me, Hitler, me again.
14) I’m seriously not on here to get some…in the short term.
15) Did you fall from Heaven?
16) Hey, I left a blow job at your place. Can I come by to get it?
17) So, you’re a single mother of one? Wanna become a single mother of two?
18) Do you like whales? How about we hump back at my place.
19) You remind me of my pinky toe; small, cute, and I’m probably going to bang you on the coffee table tonight. This is the winner, right here, y’all. You know why? I didn’t add that Oxford comma; it was already there.
20) If I were a watermelon, would you spit or swallow my seeds?
21) We would make babies. — I wasn’t sure where to put this one because if you read it one way it’s saying, “hey, if the two of us bone, the offspring would be adorable.” But if you read it another way it says, “You know what would be hot? If we both put on diapers and bonnets and drank milk from bottles.” In which case I would put it in the next category. But I don’t know; maybe that’s your thing!
Fishsticks & Custard — What Are You Even Thinking?
And there are some lines that are set up entirely to make that question mark appear over your head. I’ve got a bit of a strange sense of humor myself, so I can tell from someone’s reaction to some of my really weird jokes just how well we’re going to get along. Never mind the fact that if a person has heard all the lines, she probably hasn’t heard these, and they might just surprise her enough that she’ll decide to give you a chance.
22) Not a murderer. — Use this one at your own risk. Because while this one is going for the random, there’s this weird effect that takes place after you say something like this. Sure, it may be true (I hope it is), and it is true of a vast majority of the population. But once you say it, it raises the question… why would you have to say this?
23) Are you fertile?
24) Is mayonnaise an instrument?
25) Your profile makes me wanna do things to you that are illegal in most countries…..like hold your hand in public.
26) Nice snake scarf!
27) You know, for a Canadian you’re very attractive.
28) How do you feel about antique dolls?
29) So tell me a bit about yourself…what kind of thongs are you into?
30) I have scars and tattoos and make a mean grilled cheese. It’s important to know you strengths as well as your weaknesses.
31) I use pizza in the bedroom.
32) Before I hit on you–do you have a problem with small genitalia?
33) Hello, I just saved a baby seal. What’s up?
Rat Poison — Lines to Avoid
Some of these are funny the first time you hear it, but some of them are so dated that you won’t be. Some of these came from people sharing some of the worst lines that have ever been used on them, so know that going in.
34) Yea, no offense, you’re not that hot…jk! I’d bang you. — You and I both know there’s been a lot of conversation about “negging” lately. But nine tenths of that conversation is about how people who use negging are total tools. Don’t be a tool.
35) What’s your GPA? — This says not only do I measure people entirely by their mental prowess, I’m also stuck in high school.
36) I’ve been celibate for the past 5 years and I’m just trying to get back out there. — My thinking on this one is that it might be one of those random disarming lines, but I’m just thinking that 80% of the reaction you’ll get from this one is just “Awwwww…” In which case you’ll be cute and adorable, but not “in the running” if you take my meaning.
37) Do you know what my Johnson and micro biology have in common? They’re both hard for you. Insulting intelligence works sometimes…
And just so nobody has to feel left out…
Bonus Grindr fail:
Remember, if you throw out a line and it’s a dud, just blame your “brother” or “dumb cousin.” Because everyone believes that. For more Tinder lines, well, check out TinderLines.com.
And if you have a line that you like to use, or that has been used on you a lot, feel free to mention it in the comments. Maybe it’ll start making the rounds like the lines above.